Dear ABBY: I am a 43-year-old woman who has struggled with self-esteem and personal relationships my entire life.
My fiancé and I have talked in depth about past traumas, but it was only within the past year that I realized how much of an influence my mother had on those aspects of my life.
From what I remember, she always told me that from the moment I was born, she had a hard time bonding with me and I wasn’t loving to her.
How could it have been something I caused? I suspect she may have had postpartum issues and is now a fully diagnosed bipolar individual.
I watch him have functional relationships with many other people, but still, to this day, we have almost no connection.
I feel guilty about the state of our relationship, but worse when I witness how she treats others compared to me. Am I a terrible girl? — BREAKS IN OHIO
DEAR DEAR: If what your mother said is true, remember that for the most part, children respond with love to people who are dear to them.
You are not responsible for your mother’s diagnosed mental illness, which may be why she had so much trouble connecting with you. You are not a terrible girl.
If you have any doubts about what I have written, please consult a licensed mental health professional who can help you understand that you have nothing to feel guilty about.
Dear ABBY: My husband and I will soon celebrate our 11 year anniversary. Together since we were 19, we are now in our mid-30s with two children.
Abby, I can’t shake the feeling that my husband is cheating on me. For the past two years all he wants is sex, on his own time.
If he doesn’t get it within his “time schedule”, he gets angry and has an attitude. If he doesn’t get it at all that day, I’ll hear about it for days after.
I love my husband with all my heart, but he is not a great father.
It kills me to see him send the kids away when they are so excited to see him and hug him and play.
But my husband doesn’t play with them, snuggle with them on the occasional day off, or hang out with them. I get jealous when I see dads playing with their kids and just being silly for hours.
He works all the time and worries about his work calls. All my life I wanted a man who would be a wonderful father.
What I’m trying to ask is, if he doesn’t like our kids, is always stressed, is he no longer playful in a non-sexual way with me and only wants sex, is he seeing someone else to fulfill his needs? – THE HEARTBROKEN WOMAN IN A JERSEY
DEAR WOMAN: There are many issues in your marriage that you need to work on, but I suspect that a man who often wants sex with his wife is cheating.
You stated that he does not have a good relationship with children and is always stressed. Once you understand the reasons, things can get better. Marriage counseling can help you achieve this.
Dear Abby was written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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